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Domestic Violence Cycle

Why is Domestic Violence an ongoing cycle? Why don’t victims leave after the first incident of abuse?
Some domestic violence victims do get help immediately after the first incident of abuse; they may leave the relationship, and their abusers may be punished in court and ultimately change their behavior.
Time and again, though, this is rarely the case.
Domestic violence is a cycle that can continue for months or years. The abuser gets his victim to believe that she has no choice but to stay in the relationship. He may have remorseful periods and promise to change his ways, but that typically never happens. For the abuser, domestic violence is about control. Individuals addicted to control rarely give it up willingly, particularly when they’re willing to destroy those they claim to love to maintain this control.

What is the “cycle of abuse?”
Although the particulars of abuse vary from relationship to relationship, there is a classic “cycle of abuse” present in any relationship plagued by domestic violence:

Abuse: The abuser attacks (physically and/or psychologically) his victim. Regardless of the circumstances, the attack is rooted in the abuser’s need to assert his control over her.
Remorse: Once the attack is over, the abuser often displays regret and remorse for his actions, typically to convince her to stay with him. Remember, his primary focus is to keep her from leaving him so he can still maintain his control. He may offer apologies and promises to reform that sound completely credible and believable.
Denial: The abuser lies to himself and his victim about his behavior; it is never his fault. He may have standard “explanations” for his abusive behavior or create a new one after each episode of abuse.
The calm before the storm: To give his victim a false sense of safety and further incentive to remain with him, the abuser creates a “second honeymoon” during which he may seem like a new man. He may ignore or deny his past transgressions, or try to demonstrate that he’s truly reformed “this time.” The victim is lulled into a fantasy that the relationship is finally “normal” and safe.
Getting ready: The abuser returns to thoughts of abusing her again and begins looking for reasons to justify such abuse. Once he finds or creates in his mind some offense that she’s committed, he plots his punishment for her.
Setting the trap: The abuser may put a plan into motion to create a scenario to justify his next attack, and the cycle of domestic violence begins again.

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